If you’ve recently ended a toxic relationship with a narcissist, you are probably trying to make sense of the gamut of emotions that accompany the break-up. In fact, these types of past relationships are the hardest to overcome. Just like the relationship, your break-up will feel like a roller coaster ride with plenty of ups and downs. But don’t worry, we have plenty of tips to share with you that will help recover from a narcissistic ex.
While you are finally free from the abusive behaviour you once experienced, the adjustment period of moving on is difficult. The thoughts and feelings you had towards yourself during the toxic relationship, including shame, guilt, confusion, won’t dissipate right away. Narcissistic abuse has long-lasting effects on our psyche.
Regulating our emotions and healing from this relationship takes time and work. It’s a process that involves time and patience.
Don’t rush through it. Feel the feels, and eventually you’ll be exactly where you want to be: loving yourself and life all over again.
Below are 7 tips that will help you start to heal and recover from the effects of being with a narcissistic ex partner
Label it
Acknowledging and identifying your past relationship as abusive can be challenging. The feeling of shame and reject are often associated with any type of abusive relationship. We feel like fools to have stayed and endured emotional and psychological mistreatment for as long as we did.
I stayed in a toxic and unhealthy relationship while I was standing up and fighting against all types of abusive behaviours and patterns.
If this statement strikes a cord, you are not alone. We can’t always see what is happening to us while we are in it. It’s time to heal from this pain.
The first step to the healing process is to acknowledge and openly say you were in an abuse relationship. Labeling your experience allows you to validate those negative emotions you have towards yourself and others, like mistrust and feeling crazy. It will help you accept what you went through so you can learn the many valuable lessons from living and experiencing the wrath of narcissism.
Grieve
When a relationship comes to an end it also means that you’ll be feeling the pain and sorrow associated with losing someone in your life. For your partner was that person you once loved and cared for, and was part of your daily life and routine, and possibly that of your family’s too. Basically, you’ll be grieving and experiencing all the emotions and stages surrounding grief from losing someone.
How can this be true? I thought leaving my narcissistic ex would be the end of my suffering! Now I find out I might be sad about it!
Remember, a breakup is a loss, a loss is grief, grief has feelings, feelings need attention.
If you ignore your innate feelings, the ones that speak your truth, you won’t be able to properly recover. Be honest with yourself. You were in a toxic relationship that ended. Cry it out. Release all those bottled up emotions that you so inherently ignored during your relationship.
Once the grieving stage if over, you’ll feel a big weight off your shoulders. You’ll finally be able to start to move forward and see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Boundaries
It is particularly important when dealing with a narcissist to set and state clear boundaries. If at all possible, immediately end all contact with your ex by blocking their number, email, social media accounts. This will make it clear to them that their toxic behaviour is no longer welcome in your life. It will also help you not fall into the temptation of communicating with your ex. Eventually, your ex will try and communicate with you either to apologize or to continue their abusive behaviour.
Sometimes blocking your ex is not an option because you have children with them or common close friends that might lead to bumping into them at special occasions. Should this be the case, make sure to state your boundaries. Tell them what behaviour you will not accept going forward.
No yelling, no profanities, no insults, no mistreatment PERIOD! If any such behaviour is given, then the conversation is immediately over. Boundary setting 101! State want you won’t accept, and what will happen should they no respect your boundaries.
Another key element if communicating with your ex is necessary: stick to one form of communication. Email being the preferred method. Avoid texting as it is too easily accessible and you as much as your ex, will fall into the toxic pattern quickly.
Emotions
Breaking up is hard to do. Breaking up with a narcissistic person is even harder. The trauma from being in a relationship with a narcissist causes emotional distress and takes a toll on your self-esteem and self-worth. You might have lost complete trust in our own judgment.
Feelings of shame for having endured and put up with bad behaviour for so long has effected your confidence on all levels. Making the slightest decision is painfully difficult and confusing. The fact that you were acclimatized to hearing negative comments about yourself, often subliminal, has created fear and paranoia. You most likely suffer from anxiety or even post traumatic stress syndrome – PTSD.
You blame yourself for starting, enduring and ending a toxic relationship. It’s not your fault. It never was. Narcissistic behaviours involve manipulation tactics. This is not a reflection of the intelligent person that you are. This is a reflection of the person you left. Your intentions were good. You feel for this person when they at their best.
Go easy on yourself. Talk to a therapist to help you gain your self-worth and confidence back.
Self-Love
You’ve sacrificed the person you once were and the endless possibilities of who you wanted to be before the toxic relationship turned your life upside-down. Now, your mental and physical state are crying out for your love.
Start by speaking kindly to yourself and about yourself. Every morning, at a moment to look yourself in the mirror and say something positive about the person you are.
Here are some positive reinforcement mantras you can start using every day:
I am strong. I am courageous. I will overcome the hurdles. I am learning the most beautiful and valuable life lessons. I see the blessings that life is teaching me. I will RISE above. My future is bright. I love and respect myself.
Find time to get to know yourself again. What are your likes and dislikes?
Learn to forgive yourself. It was never your fault. NEVER, EVER! Most importantly, learn to forgive your ex. This will definitely take time and lots of healing work, but eventually you will be able to forgive them. Once you do, you’ll feel so liberated and free.
In essence, self-love should be part of your daily life and routine. Make yourself a priority and self-love a habit.
Self-Care
Implementing regular self-care practices are tremendously beneficial to recovering from a narcissistic ex. This is when you start to look after your emotional and physical needs.
Here are a few examples you can start applying in your routine today:
- Going for a daily walk or being active
- Doing things you love
- Being around people you love
- Getting enough sleep
- Eating healthy and balanced meals
- Practicing self-love
- Saying positive affirmations
- Speaking with a therapist
Fostering a healthy lifestyle elevates your sense of worth and builds mental and physical strength. If ever you are faced with a difficult situation that may cause you emotional distress, but you are in a good state of mind thanks to your regimented self-care routine, you will be better equipped to handle it. You will feel stronger and more confident.
Self-care should be a rudimentary practice that should be encouraged and implemented daily. Showing and giving love to yourself is the best gift you’ll ever receive from yourself.
Support
Now is the time to reach out to trusted friends or family members who can offer you support, compassion, help and most importantly, validation. Going through a post break-up with a narcissistic ex is difficult and confusing. That’s why you must speak with the right people who will listen and believe you, not those who have fallen for your narcissistic ex’s charm. You will need to set boundaries with those who believe the lies your ex invented about you. At least, until you have regained your strength and confidence to face more challenging people and situations.
Joining a support group where you can openly share your experience and listen to similar stories is another way for you to get the help you need to heal. Not feeling alone is what you’ve experienced is comforting and reassuring. Helps validate how you feel, what you lived, and the pure fact that you’re not crazy.
Mental health challenges arise from being in a toxic relationship. Making sense of what you’ve experienced, how you got there, and how to avoid and recognize abusive behaviours are elements a skilled therapist can explore with you.
Professional support will provide you a safe and unbiased space where you will receive guidance and advice while you go through your recovery journey allowing you to grow, learn from this experience, and heal.
Check out recent articles for more information on healing after loss.