If a loved one has recently lived through the traumatic experience of pregnancy loss, it can be difficult to know what to say and how to best support them. The first thing to remember is that the loss of a child during pregnancy is the death of a child; the mind, body and soul are completely shook and your loved one will go through a range of emotions that come along with grief.
The grieving process is unique for everyone. There is no specific order or set timeframe. Feelings of sorrow, rage, despair and emptiness are experienced differently and at different moments in people’s lives.
There is not right or wrong way to grieve, nor is there an end time to grief. In fact, grief is something that once lived stays with us forever. It goes in waves and changes with time just like any other experience in life. One can be in a certain stage of grief for a period of time while another may live that particular stage months or even years later. Ideally, a person living with grief should consult a therapist in order to properly navigate this difficult and most of the time, lonely.
In recognizing that the grieving person you love is experiencing their grief on their time, you can better support them through their grief.
Your support may not cure your loved one’s pain, but you can play an important role in their healing journey. Your presence and acts of kindness will help ease their broken heart and feel love during a time of great tragedy.
When we think of pregnancy loss we automatically think of the parents – which we undeniably should.However, this grief spreads to other family members, and friends too. Grandparents, children and those accompanying the expecting parents through their pregnancy are all affected by the loss.
Here are helpful ways you can support a grieving loved one through pregnancy loss as well as the close loved ones affected by this loss:
Be present
Pregnancy loss is a shocking loss. One minute you are creating life inside you, the next minute you are saying goodbye to the life you were dreaming and so looking forward to. There are no words that could ease the shock – only time, of course therapy and the support of loved ones.
You may not realize it, but just being present is a gift of support that doesn’t take anything away, rather is allows the grieving person to feel less alone in their suffering.
Show your grieving loved one you are there for them, physically and emotionally.
Listen and pay attention when they share stories or rants. Hold their hands, especially during those moments of silence. That’s when your presence matters the most. Stay with them – stay close to them.
Say nothing
You don’t need to use words to express how you feel. Hugging a person with intention says a lot.
Silence says everything whiteout having to say anything at all. No awkward words we regret uttering simply because we think saying something is better than not saying anything. Well, that is completely false.
I have found myself comforted by my friend’s silence after my pregnancy loss. We sat on opposite couches and said nothing to each other for hours. I was grateful she sat with me in silence while I lived through difficult emotions. At times, I would start shaking my head in utter disbelief. She sat there with me, and that’s all I needed – her presence comforted me during a time when I felt betrayed by my body, my God, by life.
Sometimes, it’s simply about not feeling alone.
Prepare a meal
The last thing a grieving person can think of is preparing a meal for themselves – let a lone a meal for their family.
Bringing a prepared meal, or several, to your grieving loved one is a gesture that goes a long way. They most likely are not be in any condition to cook or eat, especially after going through the process of delivery. Their partner, and possibly children, are also going through the motions of grieving the loss of their child. Having to prepare food can equate to climbing Mont Everest without proper equipment.
A warm meal is an extremely thoughtful and appreciated gift.
No need to complicate things. No Cordon Bleu required. Something like a homemade or store-bought lasagna with a pre-made salad is absolutely perfect in every way. Easy and simple is key.
Take care of their kids
Kids experience loss too and need attention and love just as much as the parents do. Taking care of the kids for a few hours is good for everyone. The parents have time to focus on themselves and gather their strength as the kids get to do kids stuff.
If the parents who have recently lost their baby during pregnancy have other children, offer to do an activity with the kids. This act is beneficial for both kids and parents. It brings a moment of normalcy to the kids that are also grieving not matter their age. Younger kids might not grasp the situation, but can certainly feel that something sad is occurring. By allowing them to be kids for a moment is a gift to all.
Activities like going to the park, going for a walk, or to the movie theatre are great. If you are interested in finding activities that promote dialogue to allow kids to open up about their feelings, try finding a beach or marina close by, even a fountain at that. Watch the water’s movement together, throw rocks into the water, or pennies into the fountain, and you’ll see the magic that water helps to evoke. The child might start talking about how they feel and ask tones of questions – make sure you’re prepared.
Light cleaning
Cleaning is not top-of-mind for grieving parents. Or, on the other hand, some might overly focus on cleaning to compensate on not wanting to face their feelings of sadness and confusion. Why not take some of that burden off their hands?
Doing a little light cleaning around the house goes a long way. It allows the mother time to recover from giving birth, and the partner time to focus on important matters that come after losing a baby. Honestly, doing simple chores like changing the bed sheets or putting dishes away are extremely helpful.
Give space
Grieving people don’t always know how to grieve. They are either thinking of those around them; how they can help others grieve from the loss or they are on survival mode when it comes to dealing with their grief.
If you notice your grieving loved one is having a hard time expressing their emotions, let them know that it’s ok to be angry, sad and everything in between. Let them know it’s normal to feel guilty, confused, alone, and scared. By reassuring them you are creating a safe space for them to feel their emotions and properly grieve.
Letting the person who is grieving know that they have permission to grieve is seemingly a treasured gift. That reminder to give space to their grief will eventually show up when they need it – it may not be now, but there will be a moment when they remember that comforting voice telling them they can grieve.
Make sure not to pressure a grieving parents into expressing their feelings. We all grieve differently and at different times. By you simply stating that it’s ok to feel all the feels gives a sense of permission to the parent.
Remember, there is no right or wrong way to support a grieving friend. You taking the time to read this article shows your devotion and love towards your friend.
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