Pregnancy loss affects millions of people worldwide each year. If you’ve lived through the unimaginable loss of a baby, you know how difficult healing from the pain and heartbreak can be. We have good days, and we have not-so-good ones. We have moments of rage and moments of calmness – and everything in between.
The lens we once viewed the world with has evidently changed. We still get to live experiences we would have lived prior to the loss, but our emotions and feelings attached to these experiences are different, because we live them differently.
During our healing journey, we are given the opportunity to rediscover who we are, find out what has shifted in us and what was always there that we didn’t notice before. In essence, healing uncovers our truth, our strengths, our resilience and our courage. We get to redefine what it means to live a healthy and beautiful life with a hole in our heart.
Although, the process of healing is mostly taunting, lonely, and uncomfortable: at times, it can also be peaceful, comforting and enlightening.
Here are five practices that have helped my own journey, and I hope they’ll help yours:
Feel
I know it is difficult to have to face our feelings. It can be worse than facing some fears. Most of the time, I’ve wanted to run away from my feelings and would do things that scared me or gave me an adrenaline rush just so I didn’t have to feel what I actually was feeling. I wanted to pretend I was ok. I had created a world in which I was happy, not sad. I was smiling, not crying for my son that I never had the chance to hear cry, laugh, grow and become a man. Well, not feeling the feels eventually caught up to me and I crashed. I wasn’t enjoying being me anymore yet alone living life. I then realized that losing my baby boy was a tremendous fear I had to face if I wanted to find happiness again. And I did want to be happy, for the sake of my family, my living eldest son, but especially for me. I deserved it. I wanted to
Here is what I recommend:
- Dedicate 5 to 10 minutes in your day to focus on how you are feeling.
- Take a moment to listen to your body. Feel your body.
- Release your emotions with a few deeps breaths.
- Express your emotions: cry, scream, laugh
Suppressed emotions manifest themselves in stress in the mind and body. Releasing emotions frees the body from undo tension and eases the mind from relentless turmoil.
Once I started releasing my emotions it was hard for me to stop. I would say exactly what was on my mind when it came to losing my baby boy. It felt great at first, but I also learned that not everyone needed to hear about my extreme feelings. With time and work, I had finally found balance in my healing journey. I knew when it was time to release and feel, allowing myself time and space to feel all the feels
Life’s continuum: we live, we learn, we adapt, we move forward.
Honour
Every year, on the day Igave birth to my son, my family and I go to the marina, or a site with flowing water, and place flowers in the water. We say a few words then stay in silence as we honour our little boy. It has become a family tradition that we look forward to every year. Sometimes, it’s the only place I will cry for my baby boy and for myself. It’s our time of grief. Because grief has no time nor space. It is there forever, grows with you, and turns ugly into beauty – if you let it.
Your way of honouring your child is personal. Find what speaks to your heart.
- Light a candle in their honour
- Write a poem about your child
- Write a letter to your child
- Utter their name so the world can hear it
- Donate to a special cause in their honour
- Bake a cake for someone special, like your living child, spouse, friend, or even yourself
- Highlighting Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day – every October 15th – is another special way of honouring your child and those who’ve left us too soon.
Your way of honouring your child will become your tradition. Make it your own.
Support
As much as we don’t want anyone to go through what we’ve experienced, we also don’t want to feel alone. joining a bereavement support group where you can share your experience, receive guidance and useful information. You can find a local group or an online group. Support comes in different forms. It can also be a confidant in whom you can share your rawest emotions. Talk it out.
I joined a support group and realized 8 months later that it wasn’t a format that necessarily helped me heal. I was being strong for the other mother’s in the room for months on end because I was so sad for them. I wanted to be an example of strength and hope so I covered my sadness and pretended I was happy with having an angel son. What a bunch of boloney.
The support group may not have been the place that helped me heal, it was however a place a felt supported and can provide support to others. I remember the day, 8 months into the support group, I released for the first time words of anger and sadness. The women staring at me could finally see the real me. I participated in the support group another two times, after that I sought out a therapist to help me start my healing journey.
I recommend trying sometime more than once before saying it’s not for you. It may not be for you but it will help you get to where you need to be.
Introduce
Introduce something new in your routine that wasn’t part of your grind before. Breaking out of our habitual activities creates a sense of newness that can appease suffering and regains focus on healing.
I suggest introducing a daily habit, like writing, meditation, walking, reading a book, repeating positive affirmations, etc. And, a weekly new habit, like joining a fitness or yoga class, volunteering at a local community centre or visiting a loved one.
Sounds exhausting? Let’s start over.
Start small. Introduce one new thing this week. Just one, but do it everyday. Walk. Read or write. 15 minutes. Next week, try 30 minutes. Don’t stop. Rain or shine. You got this.
Keep track of your progress. You’ll witness how effective your small steps are. It’s worth the effort.
Love
Prioritize yourself by dedicating time into your busy schedule for love giving to yourself. Love, especially self-love, is an integral part of healing after pregnancy loss. One suffers a great deal of pain and despair after losing a baby. Trying to oneself while experiencing imageable hurt is not even part of the survival equation. But, what if it is? What if it can help you heal? What if giving yourself love is in essence giving the child you loss permission to exist – permitting you to grieve and heal, never forgetting, always growing.
Rise like the wind, Sashay towards the stars!
The many positive effects of being loved and feeling loved are well-known. Countless studies show just how much love helps with physical and mental health. Surrounding yourself with love starts with you. No need to go out seeking love. This is not what anybody needs to be doing during their healing journey. You have the power of love inside you. Let’s start there.
Here are few simple ways to help you give and receive love from you, to you, and for you:
- First thing in the morning, wake up to a splash of fresh cool water on your face.
- Stand straight or sit down with your feet on the ground, knees apart, hands on your knees or on your side.
- Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths.
- Take a moment, have a good look at yourself in the mirror. Smile. Stay there.
- Finally, finish with by saying something nice about yourself. Keep on smiling. Let it sink in. Say something beautiful to yourself again. Let it sink in. Do this until you feel relaxed. Don’t force anything. Whatever you are feeling, feel it. If you need to cry, cry. Scream, scream. You’ve been through a lot. Give yourself the grace you deserve. Be patient with yourself for grieving is also a part of healing.
If this morning program is not ideal for your and your daily routine, there are other ways to include short self-love actions during the day no matter where you are. The above steps can be done throughout the day, individually or grouped is different order. For example, taking deep breaths while walking your dog, right after parking your car, you take a moment to say something nice about yourself in the rearview mirror before stepping out of the car.
Giving yourself love can also look like purchasing that special food you’ve been eyeing and salivating for. Self-love is also accepting the love coming your way. If someone is offering you help, that’s love. By accepting it, your giving and receiving love – double whammy!
Self-love comes in many different forms. We’ve identified a few simple ways to get you started. But, don’t stop there. Keep finding some yet effective ways to be with love so help your healing journey progress at your speed.
Take time to pamper your body. It’s done some pretty incredible things. Show it some love. Go to the spa. Get a facial, a massage, whatever your body needs.
If you are able to afford a therapist, please go see one. I cannot emphasize how importance the role of my therapist was in helping me grieving my son and heal from my heartache. I did everything I could to make sure I would find balance in my uneven life and happiness in my broken heart by slowly finding what worked for me.
The most important thing I want you to remember is to always, always be gentle with yourself, take whatever time needed to appreciate and experience your growth and your setbacks. Results are not linear, but eventually you will be able to embrace this new found love for life and forever be grateful for your angel baby. I’m not saying the pain goes away, it morphs into beauty and strength – never forgetting the struggle.
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